my migraines are gone! I have been able to carry my baby around the house for about 1 1/2 weeks now! at first I needed help once in a while, but now I can do it all on my own! BIG BLESSING.
however, as my migraines went away, I started hurting more and more in that one place. you know... that "land down under" place. I fear I have gotten an infection. the discomfort is crazy. going to the doctor isn't an option, because there was a mess up in my insurance and it ended at the end of April instead of the end of June. that also means that I can't go in for my 6 week check up even though I probably should because I tore on the inside as well. I have to ask them how much it will cost. maybe they will do a discount if I can pay cash? but both mine and Jacob's school loans have hit us at once and we're trying to pay off our credit cards from the past. hmmm. I feel as though these past couple of days are better than they have been, until...
I just got this awful cold! my head has already been in a fog, but now it is in a congested fog. my nose is runny and stuffy. I have sinus headaches that throb every time I cough. my neck is tight and sore from swollen glads or something. Zachary still won't sleep for more than 2hrs at a time, so I'm not getting the REM sleep that I need to keep my immune system up, I guess. haha.
the baby blues are setting in. they might be bad enough to be considered postpartum depression. it has been 5 1/2 weeks since Zachary was born. I thought I was in the clear, but this week has been hard. I'm trying REALLY hard, though, not to be overwhelmed and taken by any form of depression. last night, I wanted NOTHING to do with my baby. I felt as though there was no love in my heart for him. I didn't want to feed him so I pumped and let Jacob do it. I changed his diapers, but had Jacob bounce him and lay him down. I looked at him and a smile didn't come to my face. why? how could that happen?!? I have read about things similar to that, but I have never actually heard of personal stories. maybe because it isn't something anyone would be proud about. today was better. maybe it was because I'm so sick with this cold. I'm so tired. I'm still in pain and it has been 5 1/2 weeks. that in itself has really been waring me down.
I went to see Dr Jason today. I love going there. he helps me out so much! he hears about my physical pains. I asked him how he was doing today. he told me that he wasn't doing so well and that it was stress related, but he was doing a little better since I came in today. when I asked him why, he told me that he can remind himself that he is doing a little better than me. haha. at least my suffering helps comfort those around me in some way! I was in alinement today for the 1st time in 3 weeks! that means he got to pull on my neck, which is my favorite. it felt really night because of how tight my glandes were in my neck. BIG BLESSING.
Zachary and I got to go to church for the 1st time this past sunday! BIG BLESSING.
I'm getting a part time job working security at the mall with Jacob because it pays $10 and hr and we really could use that. BIG BLESSING. I really really wanna stay with my Bath and Body Works job, but if they can't pay me more than my $7.35 (which they and I both know I'm worth more than that working in that store) I might have to quit and work more hours doing security. we shall see.
I hopefully go back to work the 1st week in June. BIG BLESSING. should help with my depression.
tomorrow I am driving an hour with Zachary to spend a few hours with my friend Katherine Hansen! hopefully my cold won't be so bad tomorrow, because I am determined to go. lol.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Confessions of a bed-ridden mama
my baby is 2 1/2 weeks old! he is so sweet, so precious, and so perfect. he has been a little uncomfortable for the past week or so, a little gassy or something, yet he only really cries when he is hungry. he isn't a patient baby... when he is hungry, he wants his food NOW and not in 42 seconds (or however long it might take). I love him so much! and that is why these past 2 1/2 weeks have killed me.
all I want to do is to take care of my precious little angel. to take care of him all on my own, if only for just one day. I want to be able to bounce him in the amazing Ikea chair I got for the nursery. I want to be able to change all the diapers I want to without having to ask for help. I want to be able to hold him in my arms and walk around the room and sooth him when needed. to take him on a walk outside past the little lake. how amazing it would be to have the ability to sit up and hold him and keep him awake for just a couple more hours so that he will sleep more that night. to hold him in my arms and make funny faces and play with his hands and feet so his eyes will stay open just a little bit longer.
being pretty much bed ridden this entire time has been super difficult. not just because of all the pain I am in and have gone through to try to get rid of this pain, but because of the precious 1st few weeks I'm not being able to spend with my child the way I hoped to. I am SO thankful for my in-laws that we live with. for the 1st couple of days, my mother-in-law was up here every time Zachary needed his diaper changed (which was A LOT) because just sitting up brought tears of pain to my eyes. they bring me up my meals on the really hard days and babysit Zachary when I'm throwing up in pain or can't sooth him and hush his cries.
my mum comes over when she can and takes a few hours to cuddle with him whether he is asleep or awake. it breaks my heart when he is awake and all I can do is lay him beside me and TRY to entertain him with talking or singing. he always seems to be laying with me because I have to be laying. it doesn't seem fair. for that reason, I am extremely grateful when someone can just come and hold and play with him right.
my sister babysat him the 1st time I went to the ER to try to get a blood patch at 10pm. I pumped and left milk with KT. I got to the ER and the silent tears started to stream down my face because of all the pain in my head. I kept a smile on my face, though! I made sure to say please and thank you. I complimented those around me. just because I'm miserable doesn't mean those around me have to be. as soon as I got to the waiting room with Jacob, I laid down on the chairs and closed my eyes. we were there for hours. my boobs were engorged and I was leaking through everything. then we got the text... the text from my sister saying that she fed Zachary the last of the milk and he was out until I got home. I wasn't even out of the waiting room yet! I couldn't stop the tears. my baby was at home about to be hungry when he woke up next, I was wet and uncomfortable and in pain, and I felt awful making Jacob sit and wait. thankfully we got free formula in the mail and one container was for newborns. it made me feel sick to have to tell KT that if he woke up again before we got home, to give him formula. I knew it would be foreign to his body and maybe even make him sick, if he took it at all. I literally felt like the worst mother in the world. I knew it was out of my hands and to just be grateful that there was formula at home. when we finally got to the back, the dr lady told me that it was too late for a blood patch (it had been a week) and that they could give me a caffeine drip that might help the pain until they took it out. the dip would be for about and hour or 2. I cried. I told her I have a baby at home that needs me NOW and I'm not doing a drip. she gave me some prescription for pain meds that MIGHT help and I left.
my sister was an angel. we got home and she was willing to spend the night with us while Jacob slept in the other room (he had been working 8hr shifts 4 days in a row and Zachary doesn't sleep more than 1 1/2hrs at a time at night right now). she was able to get Zachary for me to feed and change his diapers throughout that night.
maybe this is a trial so that I'll be able to relate to someone in the future that might need my help or a friend that understands. I have gotten a blessing a week... maybe it is time for my 3 blessing to help me through this next week. I keep telling myself, "just a few more days". I keep telling everyone around me, "just a few more days."I have been saying that for weeks. and I smile. it is fake, this we all know, but my motto is to fake it until it is real. one day it will be real. in just a few days I'll smile because the pain will be gone and I'll be able to embrace my baby and hubby the way every wife/mother should be able to. I'm excited for that day and all those days after it. it will happen :)
all I want to do is to take care of my precious little angel. to take care of him all on my own, if only for just one day. I want to be able to bounce him in the amazing Ikea chair I got for the nursery. I want to be able to change all the diapers I want to without having to ask for help. I want to be able to hold him in my arms and walk around the room and sooth him when needed. to take him on a walk outside past the little lake. how amazing it would be to have the ability to sit up and hold him and keep him awake for just a couple more hours so that he will sleep more that night. to hold him in my arms and make funny faces and play with his hands and feet so his eyes will stay open just a little bit longer.
being pretty much bed ridden this entire time has been super difficult. not just because of all the pain I am in and have gone through to try to get rid of this pain, but because of the precious 1st few weeks I'm not being able to spend with my child the way I hoped to. I am SO thankful for my in-laws that we live with. for the 1st couple of days, my mother-in-law was up here every time Zachary needed his diaper changed (which was A LOT) because just sitting up brought tears of pain to my eyes. they bring me up my meals on the really hard days and babysit Zachary when I'm throwing up in pain or can't sooth him and hush his cries.
my mum comes over when she can and takes a few hours to cuddle with him whether he is asleep or awake. it breaks my heart when he is awake and all I can do is lay him beside me and TRY to entertain him with talking or singing. he always seems to be laying with me because I have to be laying. it doesn't seem fair. for that reason, I am extremely grateful when someone can just come and hold and play with him right.
my sister babysat him the 1st time I went to the ER to try to get a blood patch at 10pm. I pumped and left milk with KT. I got to the ER and the silent tears started to stream down my face because of all the pain in my head. I kept a smile on my face, though! I made sure to say please and thank you. I complimented those around me. just because I'm miserable doesn't mean those around me have to be. as soon as I got to the waiting room with Jacob, I laid down on the chairs and closed my eyes. we were there for hours. my boobs were engorged and I was leaking through everything. then we got the text... the text from my sister saying that she fed Zachary the last of the milk and he was out until I got home. I wasn't even out of the waiting room yet! I couldn't stop the tears. my baby was at home about to be hungry when he woke up next, I was wet and uncomfortable and in pain, and I felt awful making Jacob sit and wait. thankfully we got free formula in the mail and one container was for newborns. it made me feel sick to have to tell KT that if he woke up again before we got home, to give him formula. I knew it would be foreign to his body and maybe even make him sick, if he took it at all. I literally felt like the worst mother in the world. I knew it was out of my hands and to just be grateful that there was formula at home. when we finally got to the back, the dr lady told me that it was too late for a blood patch (it had been a week) and that they could give me a caffeine drip that might help the pain until they took it out. the dip would be for about and hour or 2. I cried. I told her I have a baby at home that needs me NOW and I'm not doing a drip. she gave me some prescription for pain meds that MIGHT help and I left.
my sister was an angel. we got home and she was willing to spend the night with us while Jacob slept in the other room (he had been working 8hr shifts 4 days in a row and Zachary doesn't sleep more than 1 1/2hrs at a time at night right now). she was able to get Zachary for me to feed and change his diapers throughout that night.
maybe this is a trial so that I'll be able to relate to someone in the future that might need my help or a friend that understands. I have gotten a blessing a week... maybe it is time for my 3 blessing to help me through this next week. I keep telling myself, "just a few more days". I keep telling everyone around me, "just a few more days."I have been saying that for weeks. and I smile. it is fake, this we all know, but my motto is to fake it until it is real. one day it will be real. in just a few days I'll smile because the pain will be gone and I'll be able to embrace my baby and hubby the way every wife/mother should be able to. I'm excited for that day and all those days after it. it will happen :)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Horizontal
the last couple weeks of pregnancy weren't that bad. well, except for those couple of days that it hit the lower 80's and the a/c wasn't working in the house. lets be honest... I complained. I was SO uncomfortable and decided that, unless it was a whoops kid, I'd never be prego in the summer time. haha.
sleeping didn't come too easily either. I'd get up to pee about 3-4 times a night. I learned that lining the path with nightlights is brilliant, because then you don't have to turn on lights to blind yourself and mess up your night vision! the pillow between my knees only did so much during those last couple of weeks. I'd stick a blanket under my tummy for support while on my side, but Zachary liked a lot of room in my tummy and didn't want to be pushed around.
one day I made a discovery! I was SOOO tired (needing about 2 naps a day to not get grumpy) and just threw myself on the bed. I was horizontal and only kind of had the blankets pulled over me. to my surprise, when I woke up, I was completely rested! I tested my theory that night, much to Jacob's dismay. we slept horizontally on the bed that night. well, most of the night. Jacob prefers to stretch out, whereas I tuck my knees in. around 6am I knew Jacob probably wasn't sleeping the best, so I had us sleep normally again. I slept SO very well during the horizontal time!!! not so much after that...haha. for about a week before our sweet baby was due, we slept horizontally. THAT is how much my hubby loves me and how amazing he is. he insisted on sleeping that way because he knew that was how I'd be able to get the rest I needed to be more comfortable.
I am so very thankful for my loving husband who does his very best to take care of me and our baby.
sleeping didn't come too easily either. I'd get up to pee about 3-4 times a night. I learned that lining the path with nightlights is brilliant, because then you don't have to turn on lights to blind yourself and mess up your night vision! the pillow between my knees only did so much during those last couple of weeks. I'd stick a blanket under my tummy for support while on my side, but Zachary liked a lot of room in my tummy and didn't want to be pushed around.
one day I made a discovery! I was SOOO tired (needing about 2 naps a day to not get grumpy) and just threw myself on the bed. I was horizontal and only kind of had the blankets pulled over me. to my surprise, when I woke up, I was completely rested! I tested my theory that night, much to Jacob's dismay. we slept horizontally on the bed that night. well, most of the night. Jacob prefers to stretch out, whereas I tuck my knees in. around 6am I knew Jacob probably wasn't sleeping the best, so I had us sleep normally again. I slept SO very well during the horizontal time!!! not so much after that...haha. for about a week before our sweet baby was due, we slept horizontally. THAT is how much my hubby loves me and how amazing he is. he insisted on sleeping that way because he knew that was how I'd be able to get the rest I needed to be more comfortable.
I am so very thankful for my loving husband who does his very best to take care of me and our baby.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Silly little baby...
I am 37wks! :)
last week the doctor check my cervix and tested me for that bacteria stuff. cervix was still closed and baby's head was down.
this past check up on Wednesday she told me the test came back positive, which is okay because lots of women are tested positive and they'll just give me an IV with antibiotics to keep the baby safe during labour. when she tried to find his little heartbeat, she was having major issues. usually he likes her and she is able to find his heartbeat right away. I wasn't nervous because he had been wiggling around inside all morning. she finally had to cheat and use an ultrasound machine. "bad news," she said. "baby's head is right here." she pointed under my right ribcage where his feet have been for a couple weeks. he decided to flip! breech! oh goodness, little boy. she looked around and said that there isn't enough fluid in the sack to flip him manually, so either he does it on his own or we c-section him out April 10th (when I'm 39wks).
I have been preparing myself for natural delivery this entire time, not even thinking about the chances of a c-section! so guess what I'm doing now...? lol. the night before my doctor appointment, we were at the dinner table when all of the sudden I jolted up straight and grabbed my stomach. it didn't hurt, but my tummy felt so uncomfortable while he was making BIG movements right under my belly button. we are thinking that is when he made the flip. I'm dreading the feeling of him flipping back, but it would be awesome if he did. I know that I didn't do anything to make him flip into the breech position, so I really don't think I'm going to try too many things for him to flip back over. I'm thinking he knows how to do it and he will probably just do it again on his own. the only thing I worry about is that he is so active, I just don't want that umbilical cord knotted or wrapped around anything it shouldn't be... what ever the Lord has planned for us will happen and I'm okay with that.
April 10th = c-section date
April 17th = due date
April 18th = induction date
we'll just have to wait and see what happens!
on a more positive and exciting note... Jacob and I had maternity pics taken today! it was beautiful weather and they were taken by a fabulous photographer. I'm excited to see the end results!!!
AND I finished signing all the papers at the hospital so we are all registered for when our sweet baby boy decides to come :)
last week the doctor check my cervix and tested me for that bacteria stuff. cervix was still closed and baby's head was down.
this past check up on Wednesday she told me the test came back positive, which is okay because lots of women are tested positive and they'll just give me an IV with antibiotics to keep the baby safe during labour. when she tried to find his little heartbeat, she was having major issues. usually he likes her and she is able to find his heartbeat right away. I wasn't nervous because he had been wiggling around inside all morning. she finally had to cheat and use an ultrasound machine. "bad news," she said. "baby's head is right here." she pointed under my right ribcage where his feet have been for a couple weeks. he decided to flip! breech! oh goodness, little boy. she looked around and said that there isn't enough fluid in the sack to flip him manually, so either he does it on his own or we c-section him out April 10th (when I'm 39wks).
I have been preparing myself for natural delivery this entire time, not even thinking about the chances of a c-section! so guess what I'm doing now...? lol. the night before my doctor appointment, we were at the dinner table when all of the sudden I jolted up straight and grabbed my stomach. it didn't hurt, but my tummy felt so uncomfortable while he was making BIG movements right under my belly button. we are thinking that is when he made the flip. I'm dreading the feeling of him flipping back, but it would be awesome if he did. I know that I didn't do anything to make him flip into the breech position, so I really don't think I'm going to try too many things for him to flip back over. I'm thinking he knows how to do it and he will probably just do it again on his own. the only thing I worry about is that he is so active, I just don't want that umbilical cord knotted or wrapped around anything it shouldn't be... what ever the Lord has planned for us will happen and I'm okay with that.
April 10th = c-section date
April 17th = due date
April 18th = induction date
we'll just have to wait and see what happens!
on a more positive and exciting note... Jacob and I had maternity pics taken today! it was beautiful weather and they were taken by a fabulous photographer. I'm excited to see the end results!!!
AND I finished signing all the papers at the hospital so we are all registered for when our sweet baby boy decides to come :)
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
You have got to remember
ever feel like some people just seem to have it made for them? maybe you feel like you just can't get a break. you always seem to have something to worry and stress about? your friends are living in the right spot, have great jobs, go on vacations, are able to get not just what they need but what they want... it can make moments in your life that much harder. but you have to remember:
everyone has their trials. you are given your trials because you can handle it. enjoy the moments that you have to "breathe" and be thankful for the trials that you have, for they will shape you and help you and maybe even help someone around you at some point.
everyone has their trials. you are given your trials because you can handle it. enjoy the moments that you have to "breathe" and be thankful for the trials that you have, for they will shape you and help you and maybe even help someone around you at some point.
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