my migraines are gone! I have been able to carry my baby around the house for about 1 1/2 weeks now! at first I needed help once in a while, but now I can do it all on my own! BIG BLESSING.
however, as my migraines went away, I started hurting more and more in that one place. you know... that "land down under" place. I fear I have gotten an infection. the discomfort is crazy. going to the doctor isn't an option, because there was a mess up in my insurance and it ended at the end of April instead of the end of June. that also means that I can't go in for my 6 week check up even though I probably should because I tore on the inside as well. I have to ask them how much it will cost. maybe they will do a discount if I can pay cash? but both mine and Jacob's school loans have hit us at once and we're trying to pay off our credit cards from the past. hmmm. I feel as though these past couple of days are better than they have been, until...
I just got this awful cold! my head has already been in a fog, but now it is in a congested fog. my nose is runny and stuffy. I have sinus headaches that throb every time I cough. my neck is tight and sore from swollen glads or something. Zachary still won't sleep for more than 2hrs at a time, so I'm not getting the REM sleep that I need to keep my immune system up, I guess. haha.
the baby blues are setting in. they might be bad enough to be considered postpartum depression. it has been 5 1/2 weeks since Zachary was born. I thought I was in the clear, but this week has been hard. I'm trying REALLY hard, though, not to be overwhelmed and taken by any form of depression. last night, I wanted NOTHING to do with my baby. I felt as though there was no love in my heart for him. I didn't want to feed him so I pumped and let Jacob do it. I changed his diapers, but had Jacob bounce him and lay him down. I looked at him and a smile didn't come to my face. why? how could that happen?!? I have read about things similar to that, but I have never actually heard of personal stories. maybe because it isn't something anyone would be proud about. today was better. maybe it was because I'm so sick with this cold. I'm so tired. I'm still in pain and it has been 5 1/2 weeks. that in itself has really been waring me down.
I went to see Dr Jason today. I love going there. he helps me out so much! he hears about my physical pains. I asked him how he was doing today. he told me that he wasn't doing so well and that it was stress related, but he was doing a little better since I came in today. when I asked him why, he told me that he can remind himself that he is doing a little better than me. haha. at least my suffering helps comfort those around me in some way! I was in alinement today for the 1st time in 3 weeks! that means he got to pull on my neck, which is my favorite. it felt really night because of how tight my glandes were in my neck. BIG BLESSING.
Zachary and I got to go to church for the 1st time this past sunday! BIG BLESSING.
I'm getting a part time job working security at the mall with Jacob because it pays $10 and hr and we really could use that. BIG BLESSING. I really really wanna stay with my Bath and Body Works job, but if they can't pay me more than my $7.35 (which they and I both know I'm worth more than that working in that store) I might have to quit and work more hours doing security. we shall see.
I hopefully go back to work the 1st week in June. BIG BLESSING. should help with my depression.
tomorrow I am driving an hour with Zachary to spend a few hours with my friend Katherine Hansen! hopefully my cold won't be so bad tomorrow, because I am determined to go. lol.
