dear Jacob's uncle,
it has recently been brought to my attention that you have been blog-stalking me. i'm totally fine with this. i have nothing to hide. i hope you don't get too bored reading all my stuff. i suggest the blog about my wisdom teeth. that one might make you smile a lil bit ;) you are welcome to meet me anytime you would like. unless you're one of the uncles i have already met...then you're welcome to meet me again! i will be residing in MN and TX for the next month or two. you're more than welcome to bring chocolate if you visit! just sayin'...hehe. anyways, i hope you have a wonderful day!
<3
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A week might never seem so long
next week...
about 7 days away from each other. 7 days with no hand to hold. 7 nights with no kiss goodnight. 7 days without poking and teasing and tickle torture. at least 168 hours of not seeing his most unbelievable blue eyes i've ever seen. at least 168 hours of no Jacob hugs. it will be pretty difficult, but it can be done. it can be done with at lest a million "i miss you"s and "wish you were here"s. it can be endured with a message and a text exchanged here and there.
nothing is impossible to a willing heart.
<3
about 7 days away from each other. 7 days with no hand to hold. 7 nights with no kiss goodnight. 7 days without poking and teasing and tickle torture. at least 168 hours of not seeing his most unbelievable blue eyes i've ever seen. at least 168 hours of no Jacob hugs. it will be pretty difficult, but it can be done. it can be done with at lest a million "i miss you"s and "wish you were here"s. it can be endured with a message and a text exchanged here and there.
nothing is impossible to a willing heart.
<3
Sunday, July 18, 2010
please don't make me go...
i don't want to go. i don't want to go to the doctor appt i have tomorrow. i've had this lump for months. i don't see too many negative things happening to my health. it's just an annoying lump. it doesn't hurt and you can't see it. it's hidden away in my heck. it grows, but not too fast. i don't want to hear the excuses of heart burn they always give me for thrush and chronic back pains. i don't want to waste the money just for them to send me home and tell me to keep an eye on it. but i also don't want them to poke me with a bunch of needles and not find an answer. i have issues with them sticking my flesh with any piece of metal. so my solution is to avoid it all together. yeah? okay okay. Jacob and my mum will make me go, but i'm not too thrilled with this idea... okay, that was my whining moment. happy thoughts time...
<3
<3
What do you do at that point?
do you ever have those nights where you don't want to fall asleep in fear that you'll have a nightmare? do you ever look at the stars and wish that all of the answers would grace you with their presence? do you ever say things and realize that they would have been better unsaid or said in a different way? have you ever been so happy that you wanted to share it with the entire world, yet been scared of the very thing that makes you the happiest? have you ever not known what to say, but knew the answers you wanted to give? have you ever had something great and didn't know what to do at that point?
<3
<3
Friday, July 16, 2010
Happy happy girl
i feel like i'm on my way to the top of the world. like i could dance and never become tired. i feel like this smile will never leave my face. it's made to stay right where it is. i love it <3
one of my best friends called me tonight. he and i haven't talked in a few weeks, because he was at Philmont. it was good to hear from him. we talked about work and our love lives and everything in-between. then he asked it. he asked if i was going to not go on a mission and marry this guy instead. i paused and took a deep breathe before i said it. "i think so." those words...i think he heard the emotion behind it. the sincerity. he was kinda shocked, but we talked about it. i told him how amazing Jacob is and how fortunate i am to have him in my life. and do you know what he said? he said that if i am happy, he's happy for me. the thought still has to grow on him, but he's happy for me. he was one of the two that didn't like the idea of Jacob and i dating. it meant SO much when he said what he said tonight. my heart feels so free. if Jacob and my dear friend can just accept each other a little more...that will be the day that nobody can bring my spirits down. tonight was a good night involving Twizlberry and a very good phone call and finishing my assignment before the midnight deadline.
<3
one of my best friends called me tonight. he and i haven't talked in a few weeks, because he was at Philmont. it was good to hear from him. we talked about work and our love lives and everything in-between. then he asked it. he asked if i was going to not go on a mission and marry this guy instead. i paused and took a deep breathe before i said it. "i think so." those words...i think he heard the emotion behind it. the sincerity. he was kinda shocked, but we talked about it. i told him how amazing Jacob is and how fortunate i am to have him in my life. and do you know what he said? he said that if i am happy, he's happy for me. the thought still has to grow on him, but he's happy for me. he was one of the two that didn't like the idea of Jacob and i dating. it meant SO much when he said what he said tonight. my heart feels so free. if Jacob and my dear friend can just accept each other a little more...that will be the day that nobody can bring my spirits down. tonight was a good night involving Twizlberry and a very good phone call and finishing my assignment before the midnight deadline.
<3
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I did it!
for the 1st time in about 10 months, i listened to the song all the way through. i got nervous during the 1st 5 seconds or so, but i endured it. the 1st time through i just sat and listened to the lyrics i haven't heard in so long. the 2nd time through...i was dancing again :)
<3
<3
Love it
i absolutely love sharing my happy moments with people in hopes that it will bring a smile to their face as well. i love it when people smile :D tonight, Jacob and Camry and i went to Extravadance (a dance performance put on by students at BYU-I). the theme was Broadway. it was beyond amazing! Fiddler on the Roof, Singing in the Rain, Lion King, Momma Mia, Footloose, Wicked, Hairspray, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins... i was lip-syncing to a majority of the songs and wiggling my fingers/tapping my toes throughout the whole thing. my smile barely left. it made me so happy to have 2 of my best friends there with me. i hope they enjoyed it as much as i did...
other things i love this weekend: when he runs his fingers through my hair, when he hold me in a hug and doesn't let go, the laughter of my roommates, frozen ding-dongs, clean laundry, chinese food with him, 1/2 b-day presents from my dad that are actually useful, turning in my homework on time, picking classes and finding classes for ASL and archery, making him speechless...
<3
other things i love this weekend: when he runs his fingers through my hair, when he hold me in a hug and doesn't let go, the laughter of my roommates, frozen ding-dongs, clean laundry, chinese food with him, 1/2 b-day presents from my dad that are actually useful, turning in my homework on time, picking classes and finding classes for ASL and archery, making him speechless...
<3
Could a little ignorance be bliss?
okay, so i'm in a pretty good mood right now, but i need to take a moment to vent. my next post will be more pleasant. i promise.
sometimes i think that knowing things are good for each of us. it helps us grow, be prepared, teach, love, apply...knowledge is an amazing thing. or so i thought...now i'm not so sure. now i think that a little ignorance is bliss. sometimes we don't need to know everything. maybe it's not that we don't need to know but the fact that once we find out, we realize we would rather have never known. things felt like they were getting better. it's taken over a year to be more okay with emails and sharing a little more information. people close to me have told me that it's okay to feel frustrated and keep to myself when it involves him. but i haven't felt like that's what Christ would do. when i'm honest with how i feel, he twists my words...he always seems to. it was okay, though. i was looking past that. one of my former best friends thought that i should just completely forgive; that what happened wasn't as big of a deal anymore (as of Aug 2009). i thought this friend was kind of right, to an extent. but this friend was only looking at it from an outside view; not seeing it personally in their life.
gifts were sent to my siblings and i. at first we didn't want much to do with them, but he was trying, right? trying to buy our love was better than not trying at all. it had to start somewhere. he had a lot to make up for. and he emailed us kids. he told us how he was going to church and sharing the gospel to those around him over in Iraq, after he ditched us again and disappeared to the middle east. he said so many things. i didn't believe too much at first, but once things are said enough, it's not as hard to believe anymore...
i found out recently that they were pretty much all lies. this man has been lying for years. most of his marriage. most of my life. he has taught me so much good, how could it be possible? he wasn't even the one who picked out and paid for the presents. the presents that were assisting in building a bridge for our relationship. i didn't want to believe it. i didn't want to have this wound tear open again. it wasn't big to begin with, but the knowledge that was placed in front of me threatened to open it bigger than it was originally. to know that a hero of mine was a lie...it kills. i have never felt anything so horrible in my entire life. it was like taking a spork and digging out everything that was in me. i felt empty, sick, raw, confused...even wrapping my arms around myself couldn't hold me together. the only thing i could do was hold it in. i didn't want to ruin the 4th of July weekend for everyone. but that only lasted until after church. i went to the front porch to find some words of comfort out of the scriptures. (Doctrine and Covenants 61:36 - And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.) they comforted me. however, when Jacob confronted me, i broke down. he tried to move me to a different spot, but within a few steps i sunk down to the grass. i curled up. i couldn't move. i didn't want to go. i didn't want to think. i told him most of it so that he wouldn't worry as much. saying it all out loud, though...when it was in my mind, i could pretend it was all a nightmare. i could ignore it, for the most part, and move around the thoughts in my mind. saying it out loud brought it all to life. the tears poured down my cheeks and i couldn't stop them. with each tear came another reason to cry. Jacob held me tight on that sunny, Sunday afternoon.
i guess none of us saw those crossed fingers behind my father's back.
lies...
<3
sometimes i think that knowing things are good for each of us. it helps us grow, be prepared, teach, love, apply...knowledge is an amazing thing. or so i thought...now i'm not so sure. now i think that a little ignorance is bliss. sometimes we don't need to know everything. maybe it's not that we don't need to know but the fact that once we find out, we realize we would rather have never known. things felt like they were getting better. it's taken over a year to be more okay with emails and sharing a little more information. people close to me have told me that it's okay to feel frustrated and keep to myself when it involves him. but i haven't felt like that's what Christ would do. when i'm honest with how i feel, he twists my words...he always seems to. it was okay, though. i was looking past that. one of my former best friends thought that i should just completely forgive; that what happened wasn't as big of a deal anymore (as of Aug 2009). i thought this friend was kind of right, to an extent. but this friend was only looking at it from an outside view; not seeing it personally in their life.
gifts were sent to my siblings and i. at first we didn't want much to do with them, but he was trying, right? trying to buy our love was better than not trying at all. it had to start somewhere. he had a lot to make up for. and he emailed us kids. he told us how he was going to church and sharing the gospel to those around him over in Iraq, after he ditched us again and disappeared to the middle east. he said so many things. i didn't believe too much at first, but once things are said enough, it's not as hard to believe anymore...
i found out recently that they were pretty much all lies. this man has been lying for years. most of his marriage. most of my life. he has taught me so much good, how could it be possible? he wasn't even the one who picked out and paid for the presents. the presents that were assisting in building a bridge for our relationship. i didn't want to believe it. i didn't want to have this wound tear open again. it wasn't big to begin with, but the knowledge that was placed in front of me threatened to open it bigger than it was originally. to know that a hero of mine was a lie...it kills. i have never felt anything so horrible in my entire life. it was like taking a spork and digging out everything that was in me. i felt empty, sick, raw, confused...even wrapping my arms around myself couldn't hold me together. the only thing i could do was hold it in. i didn't want to ruin the 4th of July weekend for everyone. but that only lasted until after church. i went to the front porch to find some words of comfort out of the scriptures. (Doctrine and Covenants 61:36 - And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.) they comforted me. however, when Jacob confronted me, i broke down. he tried to move me to a different spot, but within a few steps i sunk down to the grass. i curled up. i couldn't move. i didn't want to go. i didn't want to think. i told him most of it so that he wouldn't worry as much. saying it all out loud, though...when it was in my mind, i could pretend it was all a nightmare. i could ignore it, for the most part, and move around the thoughts in my mind. saying it out loud brought it all to life. the tears poured down my cheeks and i couldn't stop them. with each tear came another reason to cry. Jacob held me tight on that sunny, Sunday afternoon.
i guess none of us saw those crossed fingers behind my father's back.
lies...
<3
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