sometimes i think that knowing things are good for each of us. it helps us grow, be prepared, teach, love, apply...knowledge is an amazing thing. or so i thought...now i'm not so sure. now i think that a little ignorance is bliss. sometimes we don't need to know everything. maybe it's not that we don't need to know but the fact that once we find out, we realize we would rather have never known. things felt like they were getting better. it's taken over a year to be more okay with emails and sharing a little more information. people close to me have told me that it's okay to feel frustrated and keep to myself when it involves him. but i haven't felt like that's what Christ would do. when i'm honest with how i feel, he twists my words...he always seems to. it was okay, though. i was looking past that. one of my former best friends thought that i should just completely forgive; that what happened wasn't as big of a deal anymore (as of Aug 2009). i thought this friend was kind of right, to an extent. but this friend was only looking at it from an outside view; not seeing it personally in their life.
gifts were sent to my siblings and i. at first we didn't want much to do with them, but he was trying, right? trying to buy our love was better than not trying at all. it had to start somewhere. he had a lot to make up for. and he emailed us kids. he told us how he was going to church and sharing the gospel to those around him over in Iraq, after he ditched us again and disappeared to the middle east. he said so many things. i didn't believe too much at first, but once things are said enough, it's not as hard to believe anymore...
i found out recently that they were pretty much all lies. this man has been lying for years. most of his marriage. most of my life. he has taught me so much good, how could it be possible? he wasn't even the one who picked out and paid for the presents. the presents that were assisting in building a bridge for our relationship. i didn't want to believe it. i didn't want to have this wound tear open again. it wasn't big to begin with, but the knowledge that was placed in front of me threatened to open it bigger than it was originally. to know that a hero of mine was a lie...it kills. i have never felt anything so horrible in my entire life. it was like taking a spork and digging out everything that was in me. i felt empty, sick, raw, confused...even wrapping my arms around myself couldn't hold me together. the only thing i could do was hold it in. i didn't want to ruin the 4th of July weekend for everyone. but that only lasted until after church. i went to the front porch to find some words of comfort out of the scriptures. (Doctrine and Covenants 61:36 - And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.) they comforted me. however, when Jacob confronted me, i broke down. he tried to move me to a different spot, but within a few steps i sunk down to the grass. i curled up. i couldn't move. i didn't want to go. i didn't want to think. i told him most of it so that he wouldn't worry as much. saying it all out loud, though...when it was in my mind, i could pretend it was all a nightmare. i could ignore it, for the most part, and move around the thoughts in my mind. saying it out loud brought it all to life. the tears poured down my cheeks and i couldn't stop them. with each tear came another reason to cry. Jacob held me tight on that sunny, Sunday afternoon.
i guess none of us saw those crossed fingers behind my father's back.
lies...
<3
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