According to you - Orianthi

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes, cuz I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?

It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

<3

Hope comes back

just as i think that the only thing left to do is stop and give up, i realize how much he is trying to make this work and hope comes back...


<3

Wet and cold day

today i looked like a cold, drowned cat.
today he said i was beautiful.
that silly, sweet boy...


<3

Guess what.

today i really like you :) i had a really confusing/tough day or two this past week. i was frustrated with myself for thinking what i was thinking. i am SO glad i held back, though. friday i went on a wonderful/creative date with you. as we talked, i realized that maybe i do like you more than i thought i might or might not. you know? lol. yeah, i'm confusing to even myself.
today i really like you.
tonight we danced in the kitchen.
tomorrow i will be seeing you ;)


<3

Itching

it's unbearable at times. it's all over my body. it brought me to tears tonight for a bit. sometimes it creeps up and attacks just my arm or leg or foot or something. but then there are times when it just washes over me...like when you're playing in the ocean and a wave turns out to be much bigger than you thought, and it soaks you head to toe. everything is itching and nothing helps. the doctor gave me a pack of meds that might help eventually. i'm hoping and praying for it to stop. if not to stop me from screaming, but just to help Jacob breathe and not have to worry about me. he took me to the doctor and has been making sure i take all of my meds...i don't think there is anything else he can do besides hold me tight when i should stop itching for a bit. i warned him that i might get violent, though, if i have to go an extended period of time from answering the cries of my fair skin for it to be itched and relieved. he lets me itch, and helps sometimes, but only for so long. i'm so thankful for him and Camry for watching out for me. they're lifesavers. this too will pass, as everything does. it's just a matter of time...right?


<3

Butterflies

where are they?


<3

Paramore Decode Acoustic

this used to be one of my "theme songs."
i think it's trying to get better...


<3

3 more seconds

there is one song that i haven't been able to listen to for months. i usually turn it when within the 1st couple of notes. today, however, it was in my playlist and i didn't realize it. today i allowed myself to listen to about 3 seconds more of that song than i have in months. i'm proud of myself and so is Camry :)


<3

He doesn't just say it...he does it :)

him: "a little reading...but nothing too big...maybe find a way to bump into you today...haven't figured that out yet tho...lol"
her: "bumping is good. as long as you catch me if i happen to stumble from that bump. lol"
him: "i will catch you every time ;)"

we were walking down a grassy hill one night this past week. he held onto me. i wasn't scared of slipping. and when i almost did wipe out, he caught me and helped me steady myself back on my feet. whenever there is a chance of falling, i just can't seem to get too nervous if he is around. i know he'll be there to do his very best to catch me :)


<3

Today...

i loved the clouds :)








<3

Sunday...what a day...

i kinda figured sunday would be the day. i woke up and, with each second, did my very best to comfort myself. would i be okay with taking a step this way when could take a step that way? with each passing hour i realized that i was okay with the thought of being a bigger part in your life, and you in mine. it'd take some faith, trust, and pixie dust, but the idea didn't feel so startling anymore.
as i played with this idea in my head, i received a text. a text that confused me. a text that i had received many times before. a text that i didn't want to get. i replied a couple of times and realized that this person was bringing up the past and i didn't want that. i wasn't going to sulk in sad memories with them, so i turned my phone off and went to church. i went to church with slight doubt. great timing for that text to come...the perfect text from the perfect person to pick at that perfectly scabbed over wound. the dam that was holding back the thoughts, the pain, good and bad memories...it started to leak. this was the chance to see how sure i was about my decision that morning. i was nervous. i questioned my decision. but as soon as you walked in that door for supper, when you took my hand and made me laugh...duck tape slowly covered those leaks. everything would be okay. there wasn't a reason to doubt.
you and i went to spanish stadium singing, like we usually do, and we had lots of fun. our friends went home, but we continued to walk. it was cold, but thankfully you're like a portable heater. lol. as soon as we reached the top of the hill and sat down, there was another text. no. not again. how could these texts be coming at the exact times they aren't wanted? no. so i didn't open that text message or the one after that. i continued our conversation. after lots of talking and walking and thinking, you asked and i said yes. i said yes :) big step for me...just sayin'...
i went home a happy girl. but then i got on facebook...this person was having a bad weekend. maybe even a bad week or month. they read my blogs and said i have some explaining to do. they wanted to understand. i knew it was pointless. i knew that the thing i should have said was nothing at all. i knew that it was dangerous to start a conversation, but i didn't know how dangerous it could be. a beautiful yard a green, lush grass -the one that calls for your bare feet to run through it- sometimes has hidden thistles. i didn't see it when i was running. i got poked. i got poked bad. bad enough to bring tears to my eyes. i was being accused and guilt-ed. the night that i should be super happy and proud of myself was the night that that perfect person picked at that perfectly scabbed wound until tears welled up in my eyes. they didn't fall down my cheeks. no, i didn't allow that. not that night. the chat was supposed to help and i think it had that person thinking i was a jerk. a jerk that couldn't move on. a jerk that doesn't believe in the atonement and forgiveness. i'm sorry. i'm sorry that that person may have been lead to believe that. i did an assignment, this week, about the atonement that made me cry. for real cry. it is more real to me than almost anything. i learned what Christ kinda went through while He was in that garden. i learned part of the difficulty He went through for us to return back to our Father in Heaven. this gospel is SO very important to me. it is my life and the core of my beliefs. it is the light that shines within me and my hope for a better day.
i talked to my sister tonight. she loves me so much :) she's so much meaner than i am. lol. she would have said so much more to that dear person than i did, but i couldn't. i didn't want them to hurt more than they might have already been hurting.
this week has been wonderful, since the bump in the road, and i am so thankful for my roommates and my guy and all my other friends near and far...


<3

m&m's

yes...i owed them tonight...hehe. the poor kid has been so patient with me. i'm slower than a kid called to do chores!


<3

A little surprise ;)

i went to classes and devotional like every other Tuesday. this past Tuesday, however, was different...this time, when i came back from devo, i found a rose, streamers, chocolate kisses, and a note. a note with my name at the top of it. ahhhh! i ran out of the kitchen and into my room. i then slowly proceeded back to the kitchen. Ashley was taping it on her phone so Camry could see my reactions. lol. i started to read the note and at times i had to put it down on the table and take a step back before i'd pick it up and continue reading the sweet words on the crisp, white sheet of paper. it said that if i was willing to hear his question, i should meet him in front of the viking statue in the Hart building. it was signed 'Anonymous', but i had a guess of who it was...he asked me on a date for Saturday :) rumor is that we're going to have Chinese food :D
















<3

And that makes me worry...

i'm playing with this in my mind like with one of those confusing toys that never seem to have an ending. i even fasted about this. there is no reason not to say yes and see where it goes, right? i'm happy and safe and cherished and wanted and have so much fun...but he's an RM and that makes me worry...


<3

Airplanes...

"can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
i could really use a wish right now..."


<3