Sunday...what a day...

i kinda figured sunday would be the day. i woke up and, with each second, did my very best to comfort myself. would i be okay with taking a step this way when could take a step that way? with each passing hour i realized that i was okay with the thought of being a bigger part in your life, and you in mine. it'd take some faith, trust, and pixie dust, but the idea didn't feel so startling anymore.
as i played with this idea in my head, i received a text. a text that confused me. a text that i had received many times before. a text that i didn't want to get. i replied a couple of times and realized that this person was bringing up the past and i didn't want that. i wasn't going to sulk in sad memories with them, so i turned my phone off and went to church. i went to church with slight doubt. great timing for that text to come...the perfect text from the perfect person to pick at that perfectly scabbed over wound. the dam that was holding back the thoughts, the pain, good and bad memories...it started to leak. this was the chance to see how sure i was about my decision that morning. i was nervous. i questioned my decision. but as soon as you walked in that door for supper, when you took my hand and made me laugh...duck tape slowly covered those leaks. everything would be okay. there wasn't a reason to doubt.
you and i went to spanish stadium singing, like we usually do, and we had lots of fun. our friends went home, but we continued to walk. it was cold, but thankfully you're like a portable heater. lol. as soon as we reached the top of the hill and sat down, there was another text. no. not again. how could these texts be coming at the exact times they aren't wanted? no. so i didn't open that text message or the one after that. i continued our conversation. after lots of talking and walking and thinking, you asked and i said yes. i said yes :) big step for me...just sayin'...
i went home a happy girl. but then i got on facebook...this person was having a bad weekend. maybe even a bad week or month. they read my blogs and said i have some explaining to do. they wanted to understand. i knew it was pointless. i knew that the thing i should have said was nothing at all. i knew that it was dangerous to start a conversation, but i didn't know how dangerous it could be. a beautiful yard a green, lush grass -the one that calls for your bare feet to run through it- sometimes has hidden thistles. i didn't see it when i was running. i got poked. i got poked bad. bad enough to bring tears to my eyes. i was being accused and guilt-ed. the night that i should be super happy and proud of myself was the night that that perfect person picked at that perfectly scabbed wound until tears welled up in my eyes. they didn't fall down my cheeks. no, i didn't allow that. not that night. the chat was supposed to help and i think it had that person thinking i was a jerk. a jerk that couldn't move on. a jerk that doesn't believe in the atonement and forgiveness. i'm sorry. i'm sorry that that person may have been lead to believe that. i did an assignment, this week, about the atonement that made me cry. for real cry. it is more real to me than almost anything. i learned what Christ kinda went through while He was in that garden. i learned part of the difficulty He went through for us to return back to our Father in Heaven. this gospel is SO very important to me. it is my life and the core of my beliefs. it is the light that shines within me and my hope for a better day.
i talked to my sister tonight. she loves me so much :) she's so much meaner than i am. lol. she would have said so much more to that dear person than i did, but i couldn't. i didn't want them to hurt more than they might have already been hurting.
this week has been wonderful, since the bump in the road, and i am so thankful for my roommates and my guy and all my other friends near and far...


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