Confessions of a bed-ridden mama

my baby is 2 1/2 weeks old! he is so sweet, so precious, and so perfect. he has been a little uncomfortable for the past week or so, a little gassy or something, yet he only really cries when he is hungry. he isn't a patient baby... when he is hungry, he wants his food NOW and not in 42 seconds (or however long it might take). I love him so much! and that is why these past 2 1/2 weeks have killed me.
all I want to do is to take care of my precious little angel. to take care of him all on my own, if only for just one day. I want to be able to bounce him in the amazing Ikea chair I got for the nursery. I want to be able to change all the diapers I want to without having to ask for help. I want to be able to hold him in my arms and walk around the room and sooth him when needed. to take him on a walk outside past the little lake. how amazing it would be to have the ability to sit up and hold him and keep him awake for just a couple more hours so that he will sleep more that night. to hold him in my arms and make funny faces and play with his hands and feet so his eyes will stay open just a little bit longer.

being pretty much bed ridden this entire time has been super difficult. not just because of all the pain I am in and have gone through to try to get rid of this pain, but because of the precious 1st few weeks I'm not being able to spend with my child the way I hoped to. I am SO thankful for my in-laws that we live with. for the 1st couple of days, my mother-in-law was up here every time Zachary needed his diaper changed (which was A LOT) because just sitting up brought tears of pain to my eyes. they bring me up my meals on the really hard days and babysit Zachary when I'm throwing up in pain or can't sooth him and hush his cries.

my mum comes over when she can and takes a few hours to cuddle with him whether he is asleep or awake. it breaks my heart when he is awake and all I can do is lay him beside me and TRY to entertain him with talking or singing. he always seems to be laying with me because I have to be laying. it doesn't seem fair. for that reason, I am extremely grateful when someone can just come and hold and play with him right.

my sister babysat him the 1st time I went to the ER to try to get a blood patch at 10pm. I pumped and left milk with KT. I got to the ER and the silent tears started to stream down my face because of all the pain in my head. I kept a smile on my face, though! I made sure to say please and thank you. I complimented those around me. just because I'm miserable doesn't mean those around me have to be. as soon as I got to the waiting room with Jacob, I laid down on the chairs and closed my eyes. we were there for hours. my boobs were engorged and I was leaking through everything. then we got the text... the text from my sister saying that she fed Zachary the last of the milk and he was out until I got home. I wasn't even out of the waiting room yet! I couldn't stop the tears. my baby was at home about to be hungry when he woke up next, I was wet and uncomfortable and in pain, and I felt awful making Jacob sit and wait. thankfully we got free formula in the mail and one container was for newborns. it made me feel sick to have to tell KT that if he woke up again before we got home, to give him formula. I knew it would be foreign to his body and maybe even make him sick, if he took it at all. I literally felt like the worst mother in the world. I knew it was out of my hands and to just be grateful that there was formula at home. when we finally got to the back, the dr lady told me that it was too late for a blood patch (it had been a week) and that they could give me a caffeine drip that might help the pain until they took it out. the dip would be for about and hour or 2. I cried. I told her I have a baby at home that needs me NOW and I'm not doing a drip. she gave me some prescription for pain meds that MIGHT help and I left.

my sister was an angel. we got home and she was willing to spend the night with us while Jacob slept in the other room (he had been working 8hr shifts 4 days in a row and Zachary doesn't sleep more than 1 1/2hrs at a time at night right now). she was able to get Zachary for me to feed and change his diapers throughout that night.

maybe this is a trial so that I'll be able to relate to someone in the future that might need my help or a friend that understands. I have gotten a blessing a week... maybe it is time for my 3 blessing to help me through this next week. I keep telling myself, "just a few more days". I keep telling everyone around me, "just a few more days."I have been saying that for weeks. and I smile. it is fake, this we all know, but my motto is to fake it until it is real. one day it will be real. in just a few days I'll smile because the pain will be gone and I'll be able to embrace my baby and hubby the way every wife/mother should be able to. I'm excited for that day and all those days after it. it will happen :)