I really don't like options sometimes

i've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. and up until now i had sworn to myself that i'm content with loneliness... i have been "emotionally abused" a couple of times during the year of 2009. it's a new year full of new adventures and wonders. but i don't think these tender scars have healed all the way quite yet. i don't know if they ever will. i don't hurt anymore, but my guard has been reinforced and i'm nothing but cautious. only you have been the one who really understood. not really empathize, but you sympathized. you listened and helped me laugh. i wish you were here this past fall. i wish you were here now. lol. it's okay, though, because i am so happy where you are. i'm told to be myself, but that just draws people in. i want to go on a mission. my mum told me that she has always known i'd make a great missionary, but she also knows i'll make a great wife and mother. she said it's okay to not go on a mission if other plans come up. guys are coming out of the woodwork these days (RM's) and i don't know what to do. they're awesome friends, but they like me. like...like like me. i can't say i'm going on a mission so it's a no go, because what if i meet Mr. Right later? then i'll be the jerk that said no to the other guys for an excuse that is no longer valid. going on dates is good. it's a start and fun. i mean, i had one this past monday night and i'm gonna be having one friday of this week and maybe another. some random guy asked for my number today. i told my roommates that i quit. i told them that i'm gonna stop working out, start wearing awkward sister missionary clothes, eat cookie dough for every meal, not wear any makeup, and stop talking. haha. idk. this has never happened before and i'm scared. so scared. i pray for comfort and receive it, but it doesn't mean that i'm not still terrified. you know? it's okay. i'm just taking it one day at a time and seeing where it ends up. i don't wanna make any big decisions until you come home, though. that's the hardest part. i don't want to limit myself like that or something. i don't know. you've done so much for me, whether you noticed it or not. i absolutely LOVE college, but what is this new twist? i guess we shall see...


<3