Isn't 1+1 supposed to equal 2?

i don't understand how i can have a pretty good day and a wonderful date and then end up crying myself to sleep...


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I know life isn't fair, but this just sux.

i'm sick of him leaving every night. i dread that pumpkin hour as it creeps up without fail. whether we're doing homework or watching a movie while he brushes my hair and i fall asleep...i don't want him to leave. even the nights where we just can't seem to agree completely, those are the nights i want nothing more than to wrap my arms around him to stay near me and not leave my sight. when we argue, all i want is for him to be near me. i know he'll never leave me, but i can't help that "what if" in the depths of my mind. if he stays near me, that means he's not gone.
i love him so much! i sleep so much better when his arm is around me - even when the world around us is noisy and super active. only 79ish more days...
why does that seem so far away?


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Glee ;)

Jacob has brushed my hair 2 nights this week...i love him :D


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I have found him :D

Boys and Bugs - Poema

Ohh ohh ohh ooh oooh ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh

I like boys that like to smile
Laugh at themselves once in awhile
That can sit and talk for hours
Then in the morning pick me flowers
Boys that like to be very clean
That are never ever, ever mean
And can tell a witty joke
Boys that do not like to smoke.

One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you

I like boys that aren't afraid of bugs,
That will always give me big warm hugs
Like to sing and play guitar,
That are happy being who they are
Boys that like to be outside
And that aren't full of pride
Boys that have an honest passion with at least a slight hint of fashion.

One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you

I like that boys that are funny and artistic,
That are mostly optimistic
Boys that are not very lazy,
A little weird but not too crazy
Boys that aren't afraid to cry,
And will always give a second try
And will try to do they're best,
I want a boy not like the rest

One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you

I love the Fall

oh today....it was crazy. the dresses...the budget...the flowers and ribbons... thankfully i had Camry and Breia there. they helped out a BUNCH! they told me the comforting words i needed and shared their wonderful opinions. it was stressful. i found a dress in my budget. almost THE dress. almost. its between this one and the one in town. i can make this decision. it's just more difficult than i hoped it to be. i found my ribbon tonight, though :) for my bouquet and the little ones. it's gonna be good.
Jacob danced with me in the kitchen a little bit tonight. i love it when we dance in the kitchen.
the colours around here keep changing. i adore the Fall. its pretty much my FAVORITE season! do you know why? i'll tell you why :) in the summer, everything is more or less green. well, besides the fruit in the trees and a few flowers. the winter is all white and brown/dead. but if there is snow, it can be gorgeous. especially those days that the ice covers all the branches and glistens in the sun on a sunday morning...oh how i love those days... then i think about this time of year up here where they have four seasons...all the green used to be the same, but now they're showing a little individuality. some plants are orange, red, yellow, brown, light green...the air is cool and crisp. there is change everywhere! it's amazing! the spring is nice too, because the colours start coming back. fall is my favorite, though. jeans and a hoodie weather. it's fantastic. i might not have money or a dress picked or a plan of spending less on a luncheon, but the weather and my dear loved ones are on my side. life is good. stressful, but good :)


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Yearning...again...

my roomie's dad is coming to visit her in a couple of weekends! i'm super excited for her. she has been working really hard to strengthen her bond with her dad and i'm so proud of her! our stories are pretty similar. because of that, we can encourage each other and she tells me stories about her dad going back to church and how he is improving his life in all sorts of ways.
i wish my stories were as exciting as the ones she has to share with me.
there are moments where i wish that my dad would come visit me at school. not many people know "the story" here. i can pretend that he's the absolute best and that he has rarely been the cause of any tears down my cheeks. i can pretend that we have tons to share and laugh about. i can act like it's not awkward and the way it should be with a father and his daughter. at least to be like my roommate and her dad... i don't think i'd call this jealousy as much as i would call it yearning. a yearning for things to get better. sooner. a yearning that i actually had a desire for my dad to come to my reception and dance with me. a yearning to want to see him and give him a super big hug. you know? it'll get better. i know this. i just have to be patient. i just have to email him and tell him i'm engaged to be married to the best man ever, for time and all eternity. hope is there; i just have to keep hold of it and never ever let go.


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(April or May 2009)

Always there

i'm in so much pain right now. i have been for about the last day or two. it happens. some girls have it easier...i'm not one of those girls. lol. i haven't been the most exciting person to be around today. i've wanted to take 12 pain killers instead of 2 at a time. don't worry, i know better. i have a high pain tolerance, so when there is pain, it's bad. jacob was here all evening, though. he has done everything he can to make things a little better for me. i really don't like it when the pain beats me. i'm usually pretty tough. it's embarrassing to moan or shed a tear or two in front of anyone, but jacob has helped me so much. he has made sure that i think happy thoughts. i'm so thankful for him. he's always there for me. i can be pretty independent, but it's very nice to have him there. my constant support. the love of my life :)
i'm in the process of trying to write my dad and tell him about my engagement. it's a little more difficult than it may sound. he hasn't confirmed with me that i was even dating. he has never met my dear, sweet man. and i don't want to give him too much warning about my wedding. honestly, i'd rather him not be there in any way but in spirit. he'd have to wait for me to come out anyways. it's just not at the point where i'd like a father-daughter-dance at my reception. i love him tons, but we're not there yet. we will one day, though. one day...
oh! i understood about 80% of the characters in the reading part of my quiz in chinese today! yeah...that never happens. it's usually closer to 50%. lol


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