How I fell on my face

this post will involve me venting, so you don't have to read it if you don't want. you may be wondering, however, why the heck there are pictures of bras and a swimsuit above...i would be curious too, except i'm the one posting it so i'm not. lol.
so, have you ever experienced, or witnessed a time where someone has something you really really want/need and dangles it in front of you and yanks it a way as you keep trying to grab it?
have you ever had a surgery that has changed your life for the better? and now that you have had it, can you imagine what your life would be like if you never got it? how would that effect your life? how about your health? your body? your confidence?
i have been cursed (or "blessed" as some unaware people call it) with a 32DD chest. i have had it since 10th-11th grade. i've been a C or more since 7th-8th grade. for those of you have not been inflicted with this, i shall now list the pros and cons...

pros:

• your waist looks smaller without having to try too hard
• you don't get mistaken for a boy
• if you have a big butt, you look a little bit more proportional than if you have a big butt and no boobs
• it is easier for babies to fall asleep than trying to put them on your shoulder or something i guess

cons:

• i am carrying at least one pound more on my top half than average sized women (have you ever lifted a small weight and noticed that it gets heavier after a while? only this i can't take off)
• it kills my back, neck, and shoulders
• bras, when you can find a 32DD (which is far and in-between), are no less than $40 and pretty much only come in black, white, and nude with almost one inch wide straps (no cute, inexpensive bras like in the picture)
  
• clothes are EXTREMELY difficult to find that fit properly when you have a huge chest and smaller waist (i mostly wear tank tops and sweaters because shirts are just too tight in the chest or huge in the waist)
• i haven't worn a real swimsuit in about 5 years (there aren't even bikini tops big enough to hold me in under a tank top or something)
• it gets attention, but not the attention wanted (you know what i mean?)
• it KILLS my self confidence
• i can't run, workout, or play too many sports because it is extremely uncomfortable (who wants to pretty much get hit in the face with their chest?!?) so my cardio and everything pretty much sucks compared to what it could be
• i can't do the pencil test (and my mum can!). i heard about it on Opera. you should be able to put a pencil under your boob and have it fall out. go on...try it. pretty sure it will work for you
  

i have been wanting a breast reduction since i was in the 10th grade. i just want to be "normal". to be able to run like other people run, wear clothes the way other people can wear clothes, and not have these pains and uncomfort. i have wanted to be on What Not To Wear since the day i saw it so that they could help me and provide me with the money and knowledge!
my sister is getting her surgery in September. she is a 32-34DDD. we have similar body types, so she is bigger than me when it comes to our boobs. because she is getting her surgery, our deductible would be met. dad said that if his new wife and i wanted to get our surgery, this would be the year. it was too good to be true and i couldn't afford to buy a round-trip ticket. he said he would take care of it, though, and pay 1/2 of what needed to be paid with my mum paying the other 1/2. my dream was coming true after 5 years of waiting!
my mum was kind enough to pay for my flight to Houston at the beginning of July for my consultation that needed to be done. everything was sent to insurance to get approved. i have been holding off on buying any form of clothing until after my surgery. i was SO excited! the only time i could do it was in August. i had been letting my dad know the dates about 5 times since the middle of June and the official dates since my consultation. my dad is sick. his mind isn't right. that is the way i have to think of him to deal with the things he says and the way he acts. he emailed me in the last 1/2 of July to say that he can't get my flight together because i didn't send him the dates like he asked for and it was too late now. BUT I SENT THEM! i have the proof. we can't even make our rent payments on time. there was no way that we could get me a last minute ticket. i figured he would not pay for my surgery either, because he probably doesn't remember saying he would, even though i have the proof. because he is sick. he is not all there. i should have known better. i DID know better! i just...i just had to try to grab what was offered to me. i had to try. and i did. and that is how i fell on my face.
my mum can't afford to pay for my flight, both parts of my surgery, and then pay for both parts of KT's surgery when dad doesn't pay. so i let her have it. she has just recently been cursed with her chest. i have had to endure it SO much longer. endure her teasing that mine were bigger and all the stresses that come with my chest. but she is bigger now. and even though my heart aches and yearns endlessly for the chance to finally be free of this curse and no longer trapped in this messed up body, i had to let her have her surgery. it was the right thing to do. i'm sick of doing the right thing, but i guess that is just who i am.
so here i am. the girl that walks into walmart and sees the clothes that she has been waiting all summer to buy that would finally look nice on her, who now has to hold back tears and tell her husband that she just has something in her eye. the girl who tries everyday to deal with what she has got, but can't help but lose self confidence when she looks in the mirror or tries to pick something to wear each day. the girl who just wants the opportunity to live her life to the fullest but is handicapped by the size of her chest to ever really be able to run with her husband or not notice the pain it gives her everyday.
it isn't like this is all knew to me, but all i wanted to do was swim with my kids in a few years when i have some. heck, even swim with my husband and friends now!!! i want to be able to enjoy a summer and not dread this season that God has blessed us with!
i should have known that was too go to be true. i tried not to get my hopes up, but when the surgery was a month away, that got hard. you know?
so there it is. i'm sorry for the venting. it just had to be done so that i can try to move on with my life without all of this just swimming in my head day after day.


<3