Oh my flippin' garage door!

it is december 14th, 2010!!
i'm getting married on januaury 14th, 2011!!!!
you do the math.
okay okay, i'll tell you.... like, 31 days ish :D cuz today is the 14th so it doesn't really count...hehe.
YAY!
i'm just a little excited, if you can't tell.
today is also one of my best friend's birthday. he is in honduras right now. i'm so proud of him and how much he has grown spiritually and with his pet-peeves (he had quite a few of those, to say the least). i am so thankful that he is able to touch the lives around him and share the gospel to those willing to hear it.
i love twizlberry and my fiance and my family and my friends and awkward games and people getting their announcements...


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The goal :)

my goal for the next year!

EOS Rebel XSi EF-S 18-55IS


OR

BabylissPro Titanium 1 1/4" Straightening Iron

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Snow globe

sometimes i wish i could take this wonderful woman and put her in a snow globe or something.
snow globes, to me, are safe and happy and beautiful. nothing bad or mean happens in a snow globe. the blizzards only last for a second or two and when they drop, everything is shaken up for a bit, but things are safe (as long as the globe doesn't break open).
she is so important to me. she has been through so much crap already, you know? to have to go through this drama when she just did as a leader suggested. her words got twisted and then those twisted words were displayed for the world to see. i just don't understand...why? that is mean. she was just trying to protect me. to stand up for me when all i do is take crap and move on with life. i just want to put her in the snow globe i have always wished i had. a nice pretty silver one. i guess then she wouldn't be able to be shared with the rest of the world, though...


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Gonna keep kicking

i'm gonna get through these last few weeks of school, even if that means everyday is filled with consistent Paramore and Michael Buble and jumping.
i burnt my finger and have a lovely little blister above my knuckle on my ring finger. my stomach has been hurting on and off for over a week (since i had the flu the Tuesday before Thanksgiving). my Foreign Government class is trying to kill me (has been trying for the whole semester). announcements need to be finished and sent within the next day or two... finals are coming up and all that jazz. i have to pack and find a place for all my stuff for the off-track. i have to figure out how to transport my wedding dress in a safe way while on the greyhound...
i'm gonna get through the rest of this semester.
even if it tries to kill me.
gotta keep kicking.


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A bunch going on

there wasn't any snow out there in this utah valley on friday and most of saturday. i woke up this morning to find a beautiful sight of white. the branches, the ground, the cars, the driveway...it was all covered in the clean, wonderful sight of fresh snow :)
i had a great bridal shower thrown for me by grandma ward and my other relatives-to-be. there were games, presents, food, balloons, people, and me wrapped up in a tissue paper wedding dress. lol. it was my 1st bridal shower EVER. i was a little nervous, but it was fun.
i miss my roommate tonight. whether it be camry or rebecca...i have just realized that i don't like sleeping in a room by myself anymore. its so quiet and lonely. you know? i can't wait to be married.
about a week ago, i realized that i hate wallyball. hate is a strong word that i do not use often b/c of how mean it can be. however, i think i really do hate that game. lol. i really enjoy playing soccer (where the ball is mainly on the ground) and volleyball (where there are lines and a larger area to play). but wallyball doesn't seem to have any of those. there is this ball just bouncing off of every wall. the only time it was really out of bounds seemed to be when it hit the back wall. sometimes, i swear the ball thought it would be "funny" and bounce off a wall, hitting me from behind! i feared for my life pretty much the whole time. it was a good experience, though. i like to try new things! now i know...lol.
i'll be sleeping with my tiger pillow this week. did you know that tigers are going extincted??? is anyone else mortified about this as much as i am??? it was pretty much the most tragic news i think i've heard all month. i told jacob that its more of a reason for us to get one. so we can help save them :) i miss the turpins...they got me that pillow and i think about them ALL the time.
the past day or two, i have felt extremely...misplaced. like, i don't belong or that i can't meet people's expectations of me or that they are wanting me to get one thing done, but by the time i get to it, i'm already behind. always one step behind to them. i've always lived pretty frugally, but i never thought i was that intense about it. saving is important to me. has been all my life. and being a college student that is about to get married, it just makes it more important i guess. i have just realized that i'm a little more different from the people i care about than i thought.
i want to get out of here. i just got here, but i want to go again. i'm so thankful that we have somewhere to go, but this is just crazy. i feel like we're always being watched; like we're not being trusted and now being told to go to bed by 10:40. really? its like house arrest or something. i have worked SO hard to show any form of PDA and now i feel like it all has to go back under the rug. its not fair. i'm engaged. i want to be able to act like it and not hide behind the couch, in a place that isn't much wider than 2ft, to watch a movie on my laptop with my future husband. it was cozy, don't get me wrong, but really? i just don't understand...
tomorrow will be better, i suppose. hopefully i can find ribbon for my bouquet and such that matches the too dark of bridesmaid shirts. then gma ward might refresh my knowledge about crocheting so i can make a scarf or blanket or something. figured it'd give me something to do on the bus trip to MN and TX with Jacob. ya know?
i have to go to sleep now...told Jacob i would.
sweetest dreams.


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Do you ever...?

do you ever have those songs that you just see yourself singing to somebody, whether it was how you feel or one that seems to describe them?
do you ever have those nights you cry yourself to sleep and have unpleasant dreams, but wake up content?
do you ever love to eat something, but then have a day when the taste just isn't as satisfying as it usually is?
do you ever catch yourself singing along to a song that really annoys you?
do you ever wish you were somewhere else but right where you were all at the same time?
do you ever think you know someone and then they turn out to be different?
do you ever want to help someone but just can't?
do you ever dread the day ahead of you, but realize that it turned out to be one of the best days of the week?
do you ever feel alone in a crowded room?
do you ever question your judgment?
do you ever have the overwhelming desire to dream BIG, but don't know what that dream should be and how to make it happen?
do you ever reach a fork in the road and just want to sit down until one of the paths disappear and the choice is no longer quite as difficult?
do you ever find it easier to help others than it is to help yourself?
do you ever kiss someone and its nice, but one day you kiss them and it send shivers down your back and butterflies in your tummy?
do you ever take the time to be thankful for the physical pain you might have, once in a while, to remind you that you are alive?

yeah...life is odd sometimes, isn't it?


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All the time...

i keep telling myself that things will get better. just a little longer...
but what if it doesn't? what if this time...i'm wrong?


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That stupid email

No More Sad Songs: Clay Aiken
This is the way,
That i state my independence,
That i'm no longer connected to your memory.
This is the day that i'm making my defection,
gotta claim back the affection that you stole from me.
I used to hear your music so loud But its so low.
You're just another face in the crowd, I'm letting you know.

[Chorus:]
No more sad songs, I'm letting you go now,
Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know,
you turned out the light. I'm gonna be alright when I... turn the radio on.
No more sad songs.

These are the words to describe all your offenses.
You said love in the past tense and then you let it go.
Haven't you heard, Your are no longer respected,
you are formally rejected from the one you hurt.
I used to have the longing to hear what was in your heart,
But now it seems i'm over the fear of this falling apart.

[Chorus:]
No more sad songs, I'm letting it go now,
Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know.
No more sad songs, I'm letting it go now,
Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know.
you turned out the light. I'm gonna be alright without... Turn your
radio off. No more sad songs. No more sad songs.
No more sad songs...



just when i thought that father/daughter thing was getting better...i can't go through that washing machine again...
Jacob drove me to the top of the hill, though. he was there for me today :)

i could really go for some loud music and the kind of bass that i can feel flow throughout my whole body as it moves me to the beat.


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I realized...

i think i've been a little "off" these past couple of days. Jacob and Camry have noticed. i haven't been able to figure out what was wrong with me until today. well, i think i've figured it out... earlier this week, my dad popped into my head. i thought i haven't seen him since January ish. that's what i had myself believing at least. i realized i haven't seen him since August of 2009. that hit me like the feeling i get when i'm about to biff it on the ice but catch myself at the last second before my rear-end hits the frozen puddle under my feet. it's been longer than i thought.
then i realized that my brother is going to be going on a mission within the next 4 or 5 months... i'm going to miss him SO much. he's the insanity that i need in my life. the person who is always there to wrestle with me, even if he is about 9 inches taller, 50-60 lbs more than me, and his hand can engulf my face at any point in time. he's the guy that can speak his pure sarcasm and i understand 96% of it right away when it takes others a little longer. he's the kid my mum sends me to wake up in the morning when i'm home (which is a very long and skillful process). Matty doesn't yell at me those mornings - he just whines while he wraps his arm around my neck and pulls me into bed as well (even when i complain). he listens to me, or at least pretends to, and is WAY too over protective of me. to have him AND my dad away and a little difficult to contact...i don't like that thought in the least. i'm so excited for him to go and serve the Lord. it seems, though, that all of my best friends are going to be gone on missions (Honduras, California, Scotland/Ireland...).
i'm so thankful to have my fiance in my life, as well as my other friends. there are some days when i feel like everyone is leaving me, but as my eyes find Jacob's...i know it is okay. i'm loved.


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Isn't 1+1 supposed to equal 2?

i don't understand how i can have a pretty good day and a wonderful date and then end up crying myself to sleep...


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I know life isn't fair, but this just sux.

i'm sick of him leaving every night. i dread that pumpkin hour as it creeps up without fail. whether we're doing homework or watching a movie while he brushes my hair and i fall asleep...i don't want him to leave. even the nights where we just can't seem to agree completely, those are the nights i want nothing more than to wrap my arms around him to stay near me and not leave my sight. when we argue, all i want is for him to be near me. i know he'll never leave me, but i can't help that "what if" in the depths of my mind. if he stays near me, that means he's not gone.
i love him so much! i sleep so much better when his arm is around me - even when the world around us is noisy and super active. only 79ish more days...
why does that seem so far away?


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Glee ;)

Jacob has brushed my hair 2 nights this week...i love him :D


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I have found him :D

Boys and Bugs - Poema

Ohh ohh ohh ooh oooh ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh

I like boys that like to smile
Laugh at themselves once in awhile
That can sit and talk for hours
Then in the morning pick me flowers
Boys that like to be very clean
That are never ever, ever mean
And can tell a witty joke
Boys that do not like to smoke.

One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you

I like boys that aren't afraid of bugs,
That will always give me big warm hugs
Like to sing and play guitar,
That are happy being who they are
Boys that like to be outside
And that aren't full of pride
Boys that have an honest passion with at least a slight hint of fashion.

One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you

I like that boys that are funny and artistic,
That are mostly optimistic
Boys that are not very lazy,
A little weird but not too crazy
Boys that aren't afraid to cry,
And will always give a second try
And will try to do they're best,
I want a boy not like the rest

One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you
One day I'll find you

I love the Fall

oh today....it was crazy. the dresses...the budget...the flowers and ribbons... thankfully i had Camry and Breia there. they helped out a BUNCH! they told me the comforting words i needed and shared their wonderful opinions. it was stressful. i found a dress in my budget. almost THE dress. almost. its between this one and the one in town. i can make this decision. it's just more difficult than i hoped it to be. i found my ribbon tonight, though :) for my bouquet and the little ones. it's gonna be good.
Jacob danced with me in the kitchen a little bit tonight. i love it when we dance in the kitchen.
the colours around here keep changing. i adore the Fall. its pretty much my FAVORITE season! do you know why? i'll tell you why :) in the summer, everything is more or less green. well, besides the fruit in the trees and a few flowers. the winter is all white and brown/dead. but if there is snow, it can be gorgeous. especially those days that the ice covers all the branches and glistens in the sun on a sunday morning...oh how i love those days... then i think about this time of year up here where they have four seasons...all the green used to be the same, but now they're showing a little individuality. some plants are orange, red, yellow, brown, light green...the air is cool and crisp. there is change everywhere! it's amazing! the spring is nice too, because the colours start coming back. fall is my favorite, though. jeans and a hoodie weather. it's fantastic. i might not have money or a dress picked or a plan of spending less on a luncheon, but the weather and my dear loved ones are on my side. life is good. stressful, but good :)


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Yearning...again...

my roomie's dad is coming to visit her in a couple of weekends! i'm super excited for her. she has been working really hard to strengthen her bond with her dad and i'm so proud of her! our stories are pretty similar. because of that, we can encourage each other and she tells me stories about her dad going back to church and how he is improving his life in all sorts of ways.
i wish my stories were as exciting as the ones she has to share with me.
there are moments where i wish that my dad would come visit me at school. not many people know "the story" here. i can pretend that he's the absolute best and that he has rarely been the cause of any tears down my cheeks. i can pretend that we have tons to share and laugh about. i can act like it's not awkward and the way it should be with a father and his daughter. at least to be like my roommate and her dad... i don't think i'd call this jealousy as much as i would call it yearning. a yearning for things to get better. sooner. a yearning that i actually had a desire for my dad to come to my reception and dance with me. a yearning to want to see him and give him a super big hug. you know? it'll get better. i know this. i just have to be patient. i just have to email him and tell him i'm engaged to be married to the best man ever, for time and all eternity. hope is there; i just have to keep hold of it and never ever let go.


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(April or May 2009)

Always there

i'm in so much pain right now. i have been for about the last day or two. it happens. some girls have it easier...i'm not one of those girls. lol. i haven't been the most exciting person to be around today. i've wanted to take 12 pain killers instead of 2 at a time. don't worry, i know better. i have a high pain tolerance, so when there is pain, it's bad. jacob was here all evening, though. he has done everything he can to make things a little better for me. i really don't like it when the pain beats me. i'm usually pretty tough. it's embarrassing to moan or shed a tear or two in front of anyone, but jacob has helped me so much. he has made sure that i think happy thoughts. i'm so thankful for him. he's always there for me. i can be pretty independent, but it's very nice to have him there. my constant support. the love of my life :)
i'm in the process of trying to write my dad and tell him about my engagement. it's a little more difficult than it may sound. he hasn't confirmed with me that i was even dating. he has never met my dear, sweet man. and i don't want to give him too much warning about my wedding. honestly, i'd rather him not be there in any way but in spirit. he'd have to wait for me to come out anyways. it's just not at the point where i'd like a father-daughter-dance at my reception. i love him tons, but we're not there yet. we will one day, though. one day...
oh! i understood about 80% of the characters in the reading part of my quiz in chinese today! yeah...that never happens. it's usually closer to 50%. lol


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Paramore: The Only Exception

the beginning of this song used to be my theme song. if you really knew what went on...if you just listen to the words and let them soak in... i was never really sure if the chorus would ever happen. like, really happen, you know? i can now say that this whole song is my theme song now. it helps me feel free and comforted. i love my handsome fiancé :)


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These two songs and tonight...

i can't stop listening to these two songs. so there is this one song that reminds a few people of me. i played it this morning cuz it was stuck in my head. after the 1st verse, sammi said that was just like me. haha. what a cutie. she really seems to admire me. i love her like crazy. i thought only one person would have me on their mind during that song, but after yesterday i guess not. then there is this other song i was able to listen to all the way last night. i can't stop listening to it. it almost makes me feel bad. not totally bad, but...i almost wish i could change something to make this song not be this one person's current song. it's so...i can't even describe it. sad? hopeless? heartbreaking? discouraged? it'll all be okay. chin up. tonight. tonight...lol. i was almost shaking on the 46second drive over to their house. i didn't want to go anymore as of that drive. i was nervous or scared or something. i didn't want to see a certain person. i knew it wouldn't be right. i hoped for it to be right, but i kept my hopes low so they wouldn't be crushed. a girl can dream, right? going there was just like it used to be. i entered into that wonderful home. there was yelling going from one room to the other. there were people coming up to me and giving me big hugs before they scattered to do what sister G said. oh how i missed this. weird, but true. with all the things that go on, i just hold my smile and hand out hugs. then i offered my services like i usually do. tonight, April and i cleaned out a good chunk of the closet under the stairs. it was crazy and piled high, as i'm sure most of everybody's closets look like at some point. however, now the floor can be seen, jackets are hung up, and i found exactly what sister G was hoping i'd find :) seeing that one person was...the only thought that came to my mind was 'how rude'. this person barely even looked at me. they have become more hick sounding and looking than the last time i checked. i wondered why i even went to any distance with them in the past, but i knew why. they have changed, though. this person isn't the same person that i grew to know and love. they were different. it's okay. there is a small part of me that wishes there was still that friendship - that bond. the one we had a year ago. the one that i'd write letters to every week and enjoyed hanging out with. it's okay, though. things change. times change. people change. all we can do is take what life throws at us and run with it, making the best of what we have. thankfully i believe i already have the best for me and i love him.
i was talking to sister G tonight about this love of mine. she knew i would find someone better. my ex treated me like a princess. he even called me it on a regular basis. but Jacob...oh Jacob...he treats me like the future goddess i aspire to be. i'm his number 2 (God is number 1 of course). he cares so much for me. i am easily happy. all he has to do is buy me a kitkat and i'm the happiest girl. we haven't really bought each other much, but i like it simple like that. what do people who buy so many things do when the money runs out? what have they based their relationship on? trinkets and pretty things? jacob has placed me as his other half. his reason to smile bigger. his future eternity. his treasure. i have never felt so cherished in my entire life. princess back then was good, but this is so much more.


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ps- it's the full moon ;)

A few minutes in my head...

i really don't like cockroaches. REALLY don't like them. there is one in the house right now. it's about 3inches long. i tried catching it in a cup, but the cup was too small - had to upgrade to a bigger cup. it has made me scream multiple times so far this morning. he knows i'm coming after him, so he's running super duper fast. ew ew ewww.
gluten-free = sleepy. did you know that? don't worry, i didn't know either. becca and i are really sleepy these days. today is thursday and we just have to go until tomorrow night. i can't wait to eat "real" cereal! :) i have lucky charms waiting for me at home. pretty sure they won't last long when i get my hands on them...haha.
i have to book my ticket back home to school. hmmmm...sooner rather than later would be smart, yeah?
i can't wait to see rexburg clouds again!!! no lie. it's one of my favorite things about living there. they can always put a BIG smile on my face :D
oh! it's almost the full moon. yeah...that's my favorite. that along with clouds and chocolate and driving around with the windows down in cool weather with the music turned up. b-e-a-utiful.
i've been thinking about starting a painting thingy when i get back to school. make a lil extra cash on the side. i have to put plans together and such. i really don't think i'm going to find an official job in rexburg. and doing painting along with selling cards, i can control my hours. i'm thinking that will be important if i'm taking chinese 102, ASL, foreign government...and planning a wedding. and i have to drop a class so i'm not taking 18hrs...blah. no worries.
i'm going to teach the girls a new art project before we have to run around like crazy and be in multiple places as once :P


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All jumbled up

sometimes i think. that can be dangerous. sometimes i think too much. sometimes i don't think enough. sometimes i just lay there with no thoughts in my head at all. there has been a lot of thinking these days, but there are so many thoughts that they're all just kinda jumbled. usually, at that point, i put in my ear phones, but i can't help just laying here and listen to the ceiling fan spin to fast while the keys click away as i type. i don't need music right now. maybe i just need sleep. eventually all my thoughts will find a way to organize themselves, i hope. until then, i'll just pray and hope for an understanding beyond that of what i already know. a confirmation. i love working at the Turpins. Jason and Shelly really do help me think. they share their opinions in subtle ways and are never pushy. they give me more things to figure out and consider. they understand sometimes. i'm truly grateful for them in my life. i guess life is all about taking one step at a time and learning things along the way. the answers are not always obvious. the way isn't always so defined and easy. leaps of faith need to be taken even when we don't think we can make that leap, because sometimes those leaps are what lead us to greater things than we expect. everything will be good. everything might just be understood, in some way or another, at some point.


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This one is for you :D

dear Jacob's uncle,
it has recently been brought to my attention that you have been blog-stalking me. i'm totally fine with this. i have nothing to hide. i hope you don't get too bored reading all my stuff. i suggest the blog about my wisdom teeth. that one might make you smile a lil bit ;) you are welcome to meet me anytime you would like. unless you're one of the uncles i have already met...then you're welcome to meet me again! i will be residing in MN and TX for the next month or two. you're more than welcome to bring chocolate if you visit! just sayin'...hehe. anyways, i hope you have a wonderful day!

<3

A week might never seem so long

next week...
about 7 days away from each other. 7 days with no hand to hold. 7 nights with no kiss goodnight. 7 days without poking and teasing and tickle torture. at least 168 hours of not seeing his most unbelievable blue eyes i've ever seen. at least 168 hours of no Jacob hugs. it will be pretty difficult, but it can be done. it can be done with at lest a million "i miss you"s and "wish you were here"s. it can be endured with a message and a text exchanged here and there.
nothing is impossible to a willing heart.


<3

please don't make me go...

i don't want to go. i don't want to go to the doctor appt i have tomorrow. i've had this lump for months. i don't see too many negative things happening to my health. it's just an annoying lump. it doesn't hurt and you can't see it. it's hidden away in my heck. it grows, but not too fast. i don't want to hear the excuses of heart burn they always give me for thrush and chronic back pains. i don't want to waste the money just for them to send me home and tell me to keep an eye on it. but i also don't want them to poke me with a bunch of needles and not find an answer. i have issues with them sticking my flesh with any piece of metal. so my solution is to avoid it all together. yeah? okay okay. Jacob and my mum will make me go, but i'm not too thrilled with this idea... okay, that was my whining moment. happy thoughts time...


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What do you do at that point?

do you ever have those nights where you don't want to fall asleep in fear that you'll have a nightmare? do you ever look at the stars and wish that all of the answers would grace you with their presence? do you ever say things and realize that they would have been better unsaid or said in a different way? have you ever been so happy that you wanted to share it with the entire world, yet been scared of the very thing that makes you the happiest? have you ever not known what to say, but knew the answers you wanted to give? have you ever had something great and didn't know what to do at that point?


<3

Happy happy girl

i feel like i'm on my way to the top of the world. like i could dance and never become tired. i feel like this smile will never leave my face. it's made to stay right where it is. i love it <3
one of my best friends called me tonight. he and i haven't talked in a few weeks, because he was at Philmont. it was good to hear from him. we talked about work and our love lives and everything in-between. then he asked it. he asked if i was going to not go on a mission and marry this guy instead. i paused and took a deep breathe before i said it. "i think so." those words...i think he heard the emotion behind it. the sincerity. he was kinda shocked, but we talked about it. i told him how amazing Jacob is and how fortunate i am to have him in my life. and do you know what he said? he said that if i am happy, he's happy for me. the thought still has to grow on him, but he's happy for me. he was one of the two that didn't like the idea of Jacob and i dating. it meant SO much when he said what he said tonight. my heart feels so free. if Jacob and my dear friend can just accept each other a little more...that will be the day that nobody can bring my spirits down. tonight was a good night involving Twizlberry and a very good phone call and finishing my assignment before the midnight deadline.


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I did it!

for the 1st time in about 10 months, i listened to the song all the way through. i got nervous during the 1st 5 seconds or so, but i endured it. the 1st time through i just sat and listened to the lyrics i haven't heard in so long. the 2nd time through...i was dancing again :)


<3

Love it

i absolutely love sharing my happy moments with people in hopes that it will bring a smile to their face as well. i love it when people smile :D tonight, Jacob and Camry and i went to Extravadance (a dance performance put on by students at BYU-I). the theme was Broadway. it was beyond amazing! Fiddler on the Roof, Singing in the Rain, Lion King, Momma Mia, Footloose, Wicked, Hairspray, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins... i was lip-syncing to a majority of the songs and wiggling my fingers/tapping my toes throughout the whole thing. my smile barely left. it made me so happy to have 2 of my best friends there with me. i hope they enjoyed it as much as i did...
other things i love this weekend: when he runs his fingers through my hair, when he hold me in a hug and doesn't let go, the laughter of my roommates, frozen ding-dongs, clean laundry, chinese food with him, 1/2 b-day presents from my dad that are actually useful, turning in my homework on time, picking classes and finding classes for ASL and archery, making him speechless...


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Could a little ignorance be bliss?

okay, so i'm in a pretty good mood right now, but i need to take a moment to vent. my next post will be more pleasant. i promise.
sometimes i think that knowing things are good for each of us. it helps us grow, be prepared, teach, love, apply...knowledge is an amazing thing. or so i thought...now i'm not so sure. now i think that a little ignorance is bliss. sometimes we don't need to know everything. maybe it's not that we don't need to know but the fact that once we find out, we realize we would rather have never known. things felt like they were getting better. it's taken over a year to be more okay with emails and sharing a little more information. people close to me have told me that it's okay to feel frustrated and keep to myself when it involves him. but i haven't felt like that's what Christ would do. when i'm honest with how i feel, he twists my words...he always seems to. it was okay, though. i was looking past that. one of my former best friends thought that i should just completely forgive; that what happened wasn't as big of a deal anymore (as of Aug 2009). i thought this friend was kind of right, to an extent. but this friend was only looking at it from an outside view; not seeing it personally in their life.
gifts were sent to my siblings and i. at first we didn't want much to do with them, but he was trying, right? trying to buy our love was better than not trying at all. it had to start somewhere. he had a lot to make up for. and he emailed us kids. he told us how he was going to church and sharing the gospel to those around him over in Iraq, after he ditched us again and disappeared to the middle east. he said so many things. i didn't believe too much at first, but once things are said enough, it's not as hard to believe anymore...
i found out recently that they were pretty much all lies. this man has been lying for years. most of his marriage. most of my life. he has taught me so much good, how could it be possible? he wasn't even the one who picked out and paid for the presents. the presents that were assisting in building a bridge for our relationship. i didn't want to believe it. i didn't want to have this wound tear open again. it wasn't big to begin with, but the knowledge that was placed in front of me threatened to open it bigger than it was originally. to know that a hero of mine was a lie...it kills. i have never felt anything so horrible in my entire life. it was like taking a spork and digging out everything that was in me. i felt empty, sick, raw, confused...even wrapping my arms around myself couldn't hold me together. the only thing i could do was hold it in. i didn't want to ruin the 4th of July weekend for everyone. but that only lasted until after church. i went to the front porch to find some words of comfort out of the scriptures. (Doctrine and Covenants 61:36 - And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.) they comforted me. however, when Jacob confronted me, i broke down. he tried to move me to a different spot, but within a few steps i sunk down to the grass. i curled up. i couldn't move. i didn't want to go. i didn't want to think. i told him most of it so that he wouldn't worry as much. saying it all out loud, though...when it was in my mind, i could pretend it was all a nightmare. i could ignore it, for the most part, and move around the thoughts in my mind. saying it out loud brought it all to life. the tears poured down my cheeks and i couldn't stop them. with each tear came another reason to cry. Jacob held me tight on that sunny, Sunday afternoon.
i guess none of us saw those crossed fingers behind my father's back.
lies...


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Inspector Gadget - "I'll Be Your Everything"

A-Z

A- appreciative
B- bouncy
C- chocolate
D- dancer
E- excited
F- funny
G- giver
H- hopeful
I- indecisive
J- joyful
K- kid
L- loving
M- munchie
N- nerdy
O- optimist
P- procrastinator
Q- questioning
R- religious
S- sarcastic
T- thoughtful
U- unreadable
V- violent
W- worrier
X- xylophone fan
Y- yearning
Z- zany

I don't hate many things at all

but i hate arguing with you...


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Sometimes...

sometimes communication is a difficult thing, but it's needed if you want to get anywhere in life.
sometimes we break at the wrong times. sometimes we feel like jerks; we do the one thing we've tried not to for so long. it's in the past and i don't see you the way you see yourself right now. i hope you understand that. you're loved. we're humans and mess up at times. all you can do is work harder so that your ready for next time, i guess. you're fine. just learn from your experiences and remember to communicate. please, don't forget how important you are...

"when pushed too much, that's when you fall...and that's a fall i can't catch..."


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So thankful for him

i am so thankful for him everyday, but even more-so last night. i was having a good day filled with making shirts with jacob's fhe sisters, getting extra points on my chinese test, i got a package and letter from my mum, the weather was nice, i worked on my millions of art propaganda flash cards... it was a good day. then i went to do my assignment for natural disasters. i spent almost 2hrs on it. i had to turn in the certificate at the end of this thingy that i had to do online. in order to move to the next step, i had to answer all the questions on the page correctly. yeah, i couldn't get the right answers to one part. it wouldn't let me move on to the next part. that was super frustrating. so, i didn't turn in that assignment. by then it was too late to go to Twizlberry, like i had wanted to do all week. that annoyed me a little bit, but i would just make another dessert. how about that poky cake stuff? yummm! oh wait, it takes 4ish hrs to set up. hmmm. peanut butter/chocolate rice crispy bars? oh yeah! ....oh no....the chocolate on the top has to set up. yeah, i wasn't gonna let my night suck when my day had went so well.
my package had ingredients for magic cookie bars (pretty much my favorite dessert!), and i planned to make those. well, the crust didn't turn out right. then the can of sweetened condensed milk wasn't working the best, because i didn't have a can poker thingy. the lid just had to come off, and then it poured on too thickish. and after all this effort...i didn't want to eat them. they hadn't even gone in the oven yet! what was wrong with me??? i kinda collapsed to the floor and looked at my feet as i asked that very question aloud. i moaned and said that i should never get pregnant, because i'd probably be so much worse than this. but then i realized that maybe it'd help me become sane and not insane like i was at the moment. i was annoyed with myself and the fact that i wanted something but nothing at the same time.
then i realized how much i appreciated jacob. he sat by the sink, on the kitchen floor, with me. he pulled me into his arms and cradled me, telling me that everything was okay. he told me that i wasn't insane and that the bars would turn out fine. he reminded me that i had my plate full this week. he reminded me of my tests and homework and lack of sleep and allergies...he said what i really needed was sleep. so, once the bars were finished baking, that's what i did. i curled up in jacob's arms and fell asleep (well, as asleep as i get around people) while he watched tv with my roommates. i really do appreciate him in my life. even if it's just for a hug or something as simple as a smile :)


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The lame excuses are slowly disappearing...

so, yeah, i have to be careful of what i say around him so that i don't hurt his feelings too much. he ran 30 laps around the track for his meet and that thought just made me sick (i'd rather eat rocks than run. lol). his last name starts with a "W". but all the lame excuses that i used to try to come up with are slowly disappearing. it makes me laugh at how, many days, he doesn't seem to understand me - like what makes me tick. then there are other days that nothing hides from him. he's getting to know me pretty well and always seems to know how to put a smile on this face of mine. he treats me, not exactally like a princess, but like one of the most important treasures in the world, but remembers that sometimes i need to do things for myself. he protects me and told me that he feels like one of the luckiest guys on campus when he's with me. he knows i have a tender heart and covers my eyes when something really mean or scary comes on the tv. when i have a moment where i need to talk, or when i bring up personal topics, he listens. he reminds me to take my pills or of quizzes i need too take. he left a bag of kitkats and a card in front of my door and ran away, today, just so that i'd be surprised and have another reason to smile. he shares my love for chinese food, so, even though he is a very poor boy, he is taking me on a date to the new chinese restaurant in town tomorrow night :) i am super duper excited!


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One of the reasons you can't stand me anyways

i usually control my emotions pretty well. i rarely take offense. i'm slow to anger and i place my love carefully. i don't cry very easily and my spirits are usually pretty high. that is who i am. i just read something that stung, though. it felt like a slap across the face. it felt like the feeling i get when i didn't realize there was one more step down. my stomach dropped and tears came to my eyes.
"no one has ever felt that way about my siblings."
how could you say that? how could you forget? i would come over at least once a month for about 2 years to help out around the house until i left for college. i'd swim with your sibling and help them clean their room and house. we took on the task of sorting the HUGE scary pile of mismatched socks! the girls had no desire, so i made it into a game. we had fun. i helped them with their piano when i could and skipped institute a couple of times to spend hours studying with Kaitlyn for her big tests. i cleaned your room even when i had no desire to even step through that doorway. i fooled around with Daniel continuously and was clam with him even when everyone else was yelling at him. i helped Sister G make those testimony books and work on other projects. i'd stick up for the girls when Laura went on her sprees once in a while. i would drive them to activities and have some of the best conversations with Laura and Sister G and dad. dad and i would have food fights in the kitchen and he tried to help me understand what was wrong with me when my blood tests came back all messed up twice. do you not remember the letters i'd write to your mother and sisters? do you not remember the chocolate and Christmas plates i'd bring them or the moments i'd just sit with them? April made a sign name for me and she and i would have the funnest time signing and fooling around. i'd rock her baby for her and hugged her and help her out when needed. Kerstin and i shared thoughts all the time. that girl can be the chatterbox :) the 3 girls and Daniel and i would all work together to clean that kitchen listening to fun music and shaking our booties. you're family is SO important to me. don't you remember? remember when i was going to spend hundreds of dollars of the money i didn't have to fly down to TX last minute if your mother passed on? remember the fun your family would have when i was around? remember the love that was there? never mind. i understand. you are love struck and there is only one thing on your mind right now. it's okay. it's one reason you can't stand me anyways, i guess. it just hurt when i read that.
it's okay. Camry told me that she's felt this same hurt before. she said it goes away, and i know she's right. i just wish that you remembered things so you could appreciate those moments even when they don't happen as much. i hope your family doesn't forget like you have. i hope i have touched their lives like you and they have touched mine.


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Things have changed

he and i are starting week 6 of dating. i've never worked at a relationship so much. things just didn't click as well at first. there were days i was thinking about giving up. there were days seeing him would make me smile bigger than i had all week. there were days that i was frustrated with both of us and needed camry's opinion on the topic. there were days i fasted and prayed and didn't feel like any answer was coming. guess what. i have liked him for 6 day straight. that is the longest i have liked him continuously. this might be seen as sad or pathetic, but camry and i have been doing happy dances the past day or two. lol. i didn't want to see him at all last sunday. and i didn't. that was the 1st time i hadn't seen him for a whole day since we've started dating. it wasn't hard, because i didn't want him to see the tears in my eyes and ask what was wrong. i didn't want to tell him why i had been crying. how was i to explain that i cried myself to sleep saturday night because breaking up was all that was going through my mind? but then why the tears? the thought of breaking up with him made me cry. silent waterfalls of tears ran across my face as i curled up against the wall in my bed that night. i didn't want to break up. i didn't want that at all! so sunday came and i was on the verge of tears all day. monday came and i knew it was a new week and it was a better day. i've been hanging out with him everyday this week and loving every second of it. we went on a date last night. we ate pizza at the park and went to the best of guitar unplugged and split a McD's hot fudge sunday. the night was filled with our endless questions for each other. i love those. tonight i didn't want to say goodnight. i was content with him holding me tight and keeping me warm from the cool breeze as we sat on the bleachers. i was comfortable with just closing my eyes and listening to his heart beating it's wonderful rhythm. i didn't want to come home and work on my homework and study for my test and presentation. i wanted to have a superpower where i could just freeze time all around us. but grades are important to both of us, so we had to say goodnight. and now i'm blogging. haha. i should probably work on my stuff. i'm just so happy that i've liked him all week! maybe pathetic, but completely true :) he cares about me SO much and i am endlessly thankful for him in my life.


<3

Getting better...?

i think things are getting better :)
this weekend was awesome! friday consisted of a Jamba Juice run with my roommates and Jacob. we also redboxed Old Dogs that night. i liked it. "scat happens." haha ;)
satuday, Jacob and i ran errands around the 'burg. we walked to Walgreens and the Post Office and that Great Harvest amazingness place for lunch. then i met his friends from UT and got their approval. lol. i fell asleep while we watched the Goonies with Steven. Daniel, Ashley, Jenelle, Jacob, and i went to Gringos for fried ice cream. yummmm! then Jacob and i ran over to Broulim's for tortillas and hamburger. lol. he and i cooked up some awesome burrito/rice/chicken thingys and did laundry.
i went to church on sunday. after church we had our usual apartment supper and i took a 16min nap before Jacob picked me up to go to a birthday get-together thingy for his, now married, FHE sis from last Fall. she wanted to meet me. yeah...she told him many times not to lose me. she told me to keep him too. haha. we said we'd do our best. she didn't like that answer. she said, "just do it!" lol. she's SO sweet and asked for my information so we can keep in contact. i think we're gonna play games with them sometime :) she liked me so much that, when Jacob told her that i loved the cookies, she sent the rest of them home with me! well, there were only 4, but still! hehe. then my roomies and Michael and Jacob and i watched Indiana Jones. never saw it before, but i think i liked it! lol
monday was the ice caves :D 9am was when we were picked up. i was nervous when we were off-road for a bit. the truck felt like it was gonna tip or something at times, but Jacob did a great job at driving there and back. Ashley came with us along with Jacob's roommates and some of their FHE sisters. it was SO much fun! and i only got 2 scratches! oh yeah! hehe. then we watched Tommy Boy (my 1st time) and had FHE at the bishop's house. homemade hamburgers-and by homemade, i mean...i saw the cows in the backyard and everything. lol. yummm! late that night, Jacob and i went to IF to pick up Camry from the airport. it was SO good to see her :)


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According to you - Orianthi

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes, cuz I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?

It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

<3

Hope comes back

just as i think that the only thing left to do is stop and give up, i realize how much he is trying to make this work and hope comes back...


<3

Wet and cold day

today i looked like a cold, drowned cat.
today he said i was beautiful.
that silly, sweet boy...


<3

Guess what.

today i really like you :) i had a really confusing/tough day or two this past week. i was frustrated with myself for thinking what i was thinking. i am SO glad i held back, though. friday i went on a wonderful/creative date with you. as we talked, i realized that maybe i do like you more than i thought i might or might not. you know? lol. yeah, i'm confusing to even myself.
today i really like you.
tonight we danced in the kitchen.
tomorrow i will be seeing you ;)


<3

Itching

it's unbearable at times. it's all over my body. it brought me to tears tonight for a bit. sometimes it creeps up and attacks just my arm or leg or foot or something. but then there are times when it just washes over me...like when you're playing in the ocean and a wave turns out to be much bigger than you thought, and it soaks you head to toe. everything is itching and nothing helps. the doctor gave me a pack of meds that might help eventually. i'm hoping and praying for it to stop. if not to stop me from screaming, but just to help Jacob breathe and not have to worry about me. he took me to the doctor and has been making sure i take all of my meds...i don't think there is anything else he can do besides hold me tight when i should stop itching for a bit. i warned him that i might get violent, though, if i have to go an extended period of time from answering the cries of my fair skin for it to be itched and relieved. he lets me itch, and helps sometimes, but only for so long. i'm so thankful for him and Camry for watching out for me. they're lifesavers. this too will pass, as everything does. it's just a matter of time...right?


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